I wasn't going to stay up tonight. As I have mentioned way too often, I don't do nights well anymore - that is an understatement really, despairingly is a good way to describe it now; it's pathetic and it's getting worse. Anyway, as I was saying, I wasn't going to stay up tonight - but here I am.
My whole life I have been searching for something- we all are I realize but, my blog my search. I'm not sure really how to define it poetically so I won't bother, I desperately want someone that I can lean on every now and then. Someone that will accept me with my faults and believe I am worth...well something But this blog isn't about the search..
I am trying to come to terms with the fact that this just doesn't happen. When all is said and done, you can't depend on anyone to be there through it all. You will have people here and there but rarely will you find someone in it for the long haul, someone who is willing to put in the effort deep friendship takes. This is a hard concept for me to grasp, but it's life right? It is changing everything I have wanted and believed in life, and I am trying to get a handle on the vast darkness I'm being left with, and be ok with being alone. But this blog isn't about the emptiness.
So Gynger what are you babbling about tonight?
Well, when you lose a belief so important and vital to who you are, you spend a lot of time looking at the space it used to fill, hoping it will just come back I guess. It doesn't of course, at least not for me, but it causes you to see things you might normally miss. When looking into recently full spot of emptiness, things that have been left behind seem to come to you a little easier.. this brings us to the point of this blog..... music.
I don't remember a lot about being a kid, I can't even tell you about my relationship with my parents. I think I was close to my dad but this is based on the desire to be close to the image I projected on him, which I don't even know is real or not, I don't admit that often. I read things my mom wrote in baby books so I think I am on the right track but I can't remember a single solid moment from my childhood at all.
I remember Crystal Gayle though, I feel her voice. I remember all the lyrics to Roger Whittaker's Durham town. The static sounds of the record player still ring through my head, I can still feel the sharp of the needle on my finger as I wipe off the dust and hear the echo of that action amplified through the player. The gentle click of the arm leaving the record, locking into place in its holder.. It makes me smile every time I think of it. I remember the dusty air of the Co-op the day I bought my first tape (Bon Jovi slippery when wet) and the way the plastic felt as I unwrapped my treasure. The first time I heard Living on a prayer... sigh.
Isn't that weird.
Jr High means nothing to me, I could walk into that school and not care less, but I cried when I watched New Kids on the Block walk on stage after 20 years and still knew every single lyric to every single song. I remember sitting in my darkened living room watching the video to Step-by-Step, Squealing when Joey McIntyre sang his line and watching him in his black and white outfit with is curly cute hair, those bright blue eyes and dazzling smile. As I watched that grown man sing "Please don't go girl I could hear the little boy with the prepubescent voice lulling me to sleep at night with a smile as I hugged his pillow (teenage girl people focus.. we all did it). I couldn't help but hug my daughter close as if she were the pillow I was used to.
I was in Edmonton at my cousins house when I walked into the living room where they causally had the news on. Bon Jovi was in town (that's why we were there) and they were showing clips of interviews... my first glimpse of Jon Bon Jovi's new haircut. I may have screamed a little, it was mortifying. That was the only time Jon Bon Jovi let me down. I went to the concert that night in my 300 seats and we yelled "I love you Richie" (sambora, The guitarist, keep up people) until we couldn't speak anymore. Thousands of fans and I felt like at times it was Jon and I, although I couldn't even see his face. 20 years later when I stood in the crowd as Jon and Richie walked right by me, I had that moment I had dreamed of while Jon Sang "Wanna make a memory," he looked me in the eyes and smiled at me, I was 13 years old again.
I have never been good with the idea of being adopted. For a young girl the idea that your mother didn't want you is hard to handle. (Not saying that is how it really happened, it was simply the way I, as a child who knows nothing of the world saw it) Apparently (I have been told) I struggled with it for as long as I knew, and I knew very young. Ideas of abandonment and worthlessness are not easy for a little girl to handle alone and, although they have followed me my whole life, so has Annie Warbucks. Little orphan Annie has been right there with me every step of the way. No one else could understand how I felt, but Annie could. When I sang along with her "She may be playing piana, he may be straightening his tie" we wanted the same things. We both sat in our rooms crying as we wondered. "Their one mistake was giving up me" Annie KNEW. Even now as I write this I am tearing up thinking about the bond that Annie and I will always share in my mind. Carol Burnett was in town last year and I went to see her. Sitting in the audience I was that 7 year old girl again, I cried just from the presence of Mrs Hannigan in the room with me. She didn't even talk about the movie but.. I can't explain it.
These people, they will never leave me. Yes, John Denver may be dead but "Sunshine on my Shoulders" is alive and will be whenever I need it. When I need to be upset Soul Asylum's "Misery" is a click away. Music will never fail me. I may not be able to keep a friend for long once they know me well but "Wanted dead or alive" doesn't care. Guns n Roses knows I need to scream and they scream right along with me. I know what song I need when I need to cry, laugh, smile, remember, and that song will never be too busy or too mad. The power of music to comfort and sooth is incredible. The feelings I am too frightened to express are there in a song, "you've seen me, I always leave with less than I had before" (Bruce Springsteen, The Wrestler). I am NEVER alone. Which finally brings me to tonight.
I was going to go to sleep but I thought I would throw on Colbert. His guest tonight was Yusuf Islam, most people would know him better as Cat Stevens. He sang, not just a song, but THE song that I needed to hear tonight....
Roadsinger
Roadsinger came to town, long cape and hat,
people stood and stared then closed their doors, as he passed,
he strolled the empty street, kids banged on tin cans,
then the panting dogs began to bark, as the Roadsinger sang
Where do you go, where do you go,
when hearts are closed,
when a friend becomes a stranger,
nobody wants to know
Where do you go, where do you go,
when the world turns dark,
and the light of truth is blown out,
and the roads are blocked
He stopped by a stall, between the barrels and sacks,
a child's face peeped out and gave a smile, and ran back,
behind a misty glass, on a windowpane,
a little finger drew a perfect heart, and a name
Where do you go, where do you go,
in a world filled with fright,
only a song to warm you, through the night
Where do you go, where do you go,
after lies are told,
and the light of truth is blown out,
and the night is cold
Mmm.... Mmmm.... Mmmm.... Mmmm....
Roadsinger rode on, to another land,
though the people spoke a different tongue, it understand,
they showed him how to share, and took him by the hand,
showed him the path to Heaven, through the desert sand
Where do you go, where do you go,
to find happiness,
in a world filled with hatred, (Cheers)
where do you go, where do you go,
if no one cares,
and everybody's lost, looking for theirs
I have watched it three times and I am still up waiting for it to play again in 2 minutes.
Music ALWAYS KNOWS!
How does it do that? The words I couldn't think of, the words I needed to hear, the words that remind me that I am not the only one hurting, they are right there (and he sang them beautifully, right when I need them.
where do you go, where do you go,
if no one cares,
and everybody's lost, looking for theirs
I am not alone.
and a little bit of that empty space feels not so empty anymore.
