Another endless night.
It's 4:30, I'm listening to Ryan Adams' song "stop" on repeat.

Look around there's so many of us..
There's so many of us..
you are not alone..
ever...
ever...
ever...
Stop.


Probably not a smart thing to do.

Tonight started out as a study session but it ended up as another one of those nights.

Why is it you contemplate everything except what you are supposed to when it is time for finals? I have so many questions and there isn't an answer for a single one of them.

Starting with why can't I sleep?!?!?!

ok I have an answer for that one.

I wish I had something to say. The truth is I am just so tired of being alone that I am writing here so I feel some connection to something outside of my own head. It's getting to me - all of it.. the loneliness, the lack of closure, the ex-husband that treats me like dirt every day.

Yes I know that is just how he is but for 10 years I have been raising his child alone and, if I do say so myself, she has turned into a FANTASTIC young lady. Not once has he said anything positive but everything negative is my fault.

I am selfish, my priorities are wrong, I shouldn't be going to school, I'm Satan, I don't care, I'm a fat cow and what was the quote?.. If I would "stop eating everything maybe I wouldn't be so fat and she would have some food in the house."..

The funny thing about that last one is how little I actually eat.

The latest is I took the insurance off my car. I have no money for it and now that Ray takes the school bus to school I don't really have to worry about it. I never go anywhere and If I do I have the bus pass I already pay for. Anyway because of this I don't have my priorities right and I can't be a parent without a car. Has he not noticed how many people parent without a car everyday??

The finally came out that he is just mad that he will have to drive more often.

It's easy for him to talk about priorites, he spent the last 9 years in vancouver shacking up with his girlfriend and running off to mexico or Europe every year. He paid 100 bucks a month. I on the other hand have not been able to do any of that. I have been a parent full time, not just during the summer.

Look, I don't claim to be perfect. In fact, I am realizing just how messed up I am as time goes on, however.. I try my best. Yes sometimes that isn't good enough. It's hard to go to school and raise a daughter with no money and raging bloody depression. It's not my ideal world.. but I do it because I have to, and yes maybe my grades suffer and maybe Ray doesn't get enough time with me but I am making every effort to give my all in both departments. It is so easy for him to sit back and judge me.. and why does he.. this is the question. To him I am Satan but why? I try my hardest to respect him as a parent, even when he doesn't act like one. His relationship with raychael is and always has been extremely important to me. He spends his time bad mouthing me to her. THe latest was him telling her I will die soon because of my weight... I spent an hour with her crying over that promising that I wouldn't leave her.. But I'm the bad parent.. ARe you kidding me!?!?!?!?

I was as good to him as I could be, hell I still want to stop acting like children and be friends but no matter how much I try he treats me like shit.

yet...

I have to spend the holidays in my shit house alone while he takes MY daughter to vancouver to have christmas dinner with his ex girlfriend who treated him, and my daughter btw, like shit.

I realize that life isn't fair, I am not a two year old, but really how much is one person supposed to take???

I am NOT this strong. I cannot handle everything alone and one of these days I will flip. It's not far off.

Honestly, If everything I do is wrong what the hell can I do?

He is the only person I am in constant contact with, he is the only person to walk through my front door. I wish people would take the small things less for granted. A friendly smile, a phone call, a hug, just someone that cares, really cares. You don't realize how important it is until you don't have it.

I am tired and lonely and sick of it all

I miss Derek. fuck.

the sad thing is.. this post is as close to talking to someone as I can get..

and the pity party rages on:)