You don't know how lucky you are being a monkey. Because consciousness is a terrible curse. I think. I feel. I suffer.

So I have issues. We all do, I realize this.

My issue is abandonment. I am not going to go into detail about this because it is irrelevant. Because of this issue and past patterns in my life I am a little neurotic about certain things. For example, I need to be reassured every now and then that my friends, when it gets to a certain level of friendship, still like me. A simple verbal "Hey Gynger, I think you're great" or "you are a good friend" or, when I am feeling really insecure a "Yes, you are my best friend, shut up already."

Recently a situation has arisen in which I had to tell someone this was needed. No I am not going into details out of respect to that person but the part that is relevant to what I want to say is the response I got to that. "I'm not going to take on that role." "my role" which I transform into "not my responsibility" (this translation comes from other things said.)

It is the responsibility of my teachers to teach me
It is the responsibility of my family to make sure that my life is on track and things are ok.
It is the responsibility of my hairdresser to not give me a shitty haircut.
It is the responsibility of my ex husband to treat me like shit every time he talks to me (apparently)

If it is not the responsibility of my friends support me when I need it or to let me know that they care about me who's responsibility is it??

It is absolutely my responsibility to tell Sharilyn that her smile is one of the most beautiful images I can think of; or to tell Lisa that our talks finally make me feel like I belong in this university; or Jasmine that if I didn't have her to talk to this past two months, I don't think I would be here; or Kristy that even though I never strike up converstation, I remember her with fondness and she is in my thoughts and concerns daily.

Just because I fail at my job as friend, does not mean that the responsibility is not mine. This is why we have friends and the closer we are, the stronger this responsibility is. That is the essence of what the role of "friend" is and I take mine very seriously. I don't necessarily believe in the term "Unconditional Love" because I find it redundant. I believe love in it's definition should be unconditional, especially with friendship. Is that wrong? Am I alone in thinking this? If I am I will attempt to change.... no I won't.

There is not a lot I do right. I am not overly intellegent, beautiful, conversational etc etc... but I am a damn good friend. I do have issues, I accept that, but I accept, and love, my friends with all their issues... not inspite, with, I sure as hell am not going to apologize for expecting the same return. Is that an unrealistic expection to put on someone? Not a friend, with a friend it should come with the territory.

So, yet again my life takes a turn that I dread with all that I am. I am heartbroken and I am not sure I am mendable this time but I will not apologize, I will not change that aspect of myself, I will merely pick up the salvageable pieces of my heart, wipe them off and I suppose wait for it to happen again because that's what friends do....