Unforgettable, that's what you are...

I went to a wedding this weekend in town where there were many people that I knew.. and by many I mean two... when I lived in GP. One of them I hadn't seen for 7 years. As everyone who knows me for even a second's time knows I am having issues with feeling overall insignificant lately so you will understand when I say it didn't help matters when both of them had no idea who I was. Now granted the guy that I know better did figure out it was me when I hit him and got on his case for walking past me, he knew my voice. The other guy I had a complete conversation with and finally told him who I am. At this point he hugged me an apologized but the damage was done.

Don't get me wrong, I am not mad at either of them. Actually after that I had a fantastic night (for the most part) but I just... I don't know. Have I really changed that much? unrecognizable?? (the grooms dad didn't know who I was either but we hadn't worked on many plays together.. still, three people..) Everyone wants people to care, everyone wants to believe they made a difference in peoples lives. The cold reality that when I leave the picture people's lives go on as if I wasn't there is a harsh one to grapple with.. (is grapple a word? if it is I like it). This is not a pity party; it is a fact of life that I am contemplating. Both of the guys said they didn't recognize me because I look younger, I think it is because I have gained so much weight but they didn't want to be rude (alright fine, that was a pity party), whatever it was the bottom line is I am forgettable. We are forgettable. Interchangeable pieces of lego, you lose one in the couch cushions it doesn't matter, there are 20 billion more. Sometimes I will see them when I am cleaning and vacuum it up anyway because I don't feel like wasting the energy it would take to bend down and save it. A single lego piece is expendable. We all are, and I suppose that's ok, but then why do we all spend life trying not to be. And why do we spend so much time caring about what other people think? Christ, I can't do anything with out being concerned, to the point of paranoia. I'm now scared shitless to leave my house, which I suppose is not such a bad thing if I am as forgettable as I think I am:) Honestly, I can't hold conversations, I have recently realized that I don't even laugh for real.. I think things are funny and I make laughing motions but I don't really laugh... who doesn't laugh? What the fuck am I doing?

I want to be someone special... this is not saying I want to be rich or famous or any of that superficial bullshit that everyone thinks is important. I could care less if I never have more money in the bank then I need for food and rent... and movies... and books, but beyond that, I have owned the same handful of clothing for years.. I just don't care... and famous? Please. Not a chance in hell do I want to have people watching my every move.. famous people are not artists.. they can be I suppose but the majority of them, if they were artists to begin with, lose that along the way. The only pure example I can see of someone who hasn't lost that yet is Matthew Gray Gubler... check out his website if you need proof. Ha, you thought I was going to say Tim Burton didn't you? I love the man and he has more artistry in his little toe than Lucas and Spielberg combined but if you think I think he doesn't sell out every now and then.. come on, I'm not delusional.

All I want is to be important... that's all. Not to everyone, not to a lot of people even. Just a few. I want to write songs that people will listen to when they need that company or that understanding. I want to write a book that will make people think.. even if it's only the five people that buy it. I want to make films that challenge people to look at their own lives with a new prospective. I want people to stand on their desks... not for me, with me.

I want people to remember my name when I walk by them on the street.

But life isn't what we want is it? It's not even what is given to us. Life is made up of instances and events that we borrow for a time being, and not even to use alone. We are life's third wheel. They have been used before us, they will be used again and at that exact same time that we are using them 14 million others are using them as well. Whether we go with it or not, they will never be changed.

Seems like it's kind of asking a lot to be remembered as one person doesn't it?