Hope guides me It is what gets me through the day and especially the night. The hope that after you're gone from my sight it will not be the last time

It is 2:42 in the morning.

I am tired and want to sleep, I have a paper to write and class in 8 hours but I do nothing. I just started A Knight's Tale for the second time around; good movie, made me cry, although most things do lately. That's not entirely true, I have been getting better.

I used to crave the solitude of the moon. Night time was the dear dear friend who gave the comfort I could not find anywhere else. Cliché? absolutely.. for a reason. My favorite thing to do what to sit outside at 1,2 in the morning and listen to my ipod, the particular song of the day would change, lately it is The Wrestler by Bruce Springtsteen, but the staples remain, Frank Sinatra, Chris Botti, Idina Menzel, Iron and Wine; Voices that calm and allow me to reflect- not always pleasant reflection, for the night is not always kind, but safe and true reflection- moments shared with those who know me best.

Isn't it rich, Aren't we a pair?
Me here at last on the ground
you in midair
Send in the clowns.
...
Just when I'd stopped opening doors,
Finally knowing the one that I wanted was yours,
Making my entrance again with my usual flair,
Sure of my lines,
No one is there.

Sinatra is perfection.

I would sit there outside, stare at the sky, listen to my music, and sometime smoke a cigarette while I reflected on where and who I was. The air is crisp and vibrant at that time of night and the noises are minimal. I was alone, as I usually am, but there is something different about being alone at night; I was alone by choice. The rest of the world shuts the door to the stars, says goodnight to the crisp night air, and succumbs to the need to sleep but I would defy it. In doing so I steal a bit of time and we engage in a secret conspiracy, which as close to cheating death as I will get:) It creates a feeling of being alone without the loneliness, the beauty of which I can not fully explain.

I dread it now. I start trying to go to sleep at 7, sounds like a joke but it's not. The darker the sky gets the more hollow I feel. He was just a friend... I don't believe there is a "Just a" anything. Everything in our lives is important in some way, nothing can gain a place in our lives as a "Just a." Anyway, my night once full of healthy reflection is now full of self deprecation and regrets. "If I would have said this.." "If I would have done that.." "If I was a different person." Thought patterns that I hoped were a thing of the past, attack me with forces stronger than I could have ever imagined. They say with time things are supposed to get better but it's been three months. It isn't really him anymore. I do miss him and sometimes I have a hard time realizing that he is not in my life. The little things take me by surprise sometimes, stupid things I see in the news, my favourite on American Idol, Idina Menzel being pregnant; it’s hard not to pick up the phone. A friend that treasured is hard to come by and even harder to lose but it is something that can be overcome. It's the feelings that the situation fortifies that I am having a problem with. Once again I have to deal with all these feelings I have spent the last 4 years telling myself were silly and untrue. Now in the darkness I can not ignore the emptiness that I am filled with. Every thought is magnified because now not only do I feel it in it's original strength but I feel every moment I was told it was not true, or not going to happen, and the truth of the lie weighs hard upon me as well. My most comfortable friend has been ripped away from me as well and replaced with insomnia and emptiness.. Him I can get over losing, my nights, I will never get over that. Hopefully one day I will get them back.

Blah, what a ramble. I am tired. I want to go to bed but I don't trust myself to lie there and sleep without crying tonight.... I'm tired of crying. whatever.



ps, my titles are always movie quotes.. a cookie to the person that figures out which movie:)